Peace...still

It is still surprising to me how much peace I feel.  I try to comprehend it as I am still and quiet.  Sometimes when I am driving in my car to work or errands I find myself smiling and feeling that peace.  I think back to my life over the years and I can not recall a time I have felt this way.  It is surreal.

Someone suggested I listen to Elder Bednar's talk from this last conference and I have read it a couple of times since.  It makes so much sense to me when he talks about our "loads" (whatever that may be to you or me) being the catalyst for learning.  That it is our load that helps us to bear our burdens.  It is through trails we are strengthened if we let them so that for us.  I know many who have wandered in their trials and I certainly have had my faith tested.  I have learned so much over the last couple of years from my trials and the trials of others.  I have learned about patience and forgiveness most of all.  I have learned that the Lord buoys me up.  When I rely on him I feel better, it is as simple as that.  I know for some the atonement is a hard concept to understand but I have learned so much from relying on the Lord and feeling of his love.  If you haven't read or listened to that talk, you should!

My house...

I have been feeling really peaceful the last few weeks which only validates me in my decision to pursue a divorce.  It has been final for a few weeks now and I still have that peace but that doesn't mean its easy or makes me happy to think that I am no longer married.  I feel lonely today.  I ran around the house today picking things up and cleaning a few things so that if someone wants to see it I will be ready.  Unfortunately, I have to sell our home.  I have thought about it a lot and I know it will be ok but it is still hard.  I took the dog out this morning in the back yard and stood on the porch and got teary.  My yard if full of dandelions...which seems symbolic in a way.  Over the 4 years we have lived in this house I have imagined my daughter having her wedding reception here.  I imagined the trees I would buy and plant alone the back fence and the patio we would expand in a larger semi-circle where the reception line would be.  The flowers planted in the beds that would be in bloom...now there are no trees and lots of dandelions.  Maybe that should make me feel better about it, that it isn't what I imagine when I think of it.  That instead it is a mess of weeds.  I feel sad to think that I probably won't have a yard or grass of any kind when we move.  That is hard to think about.  I love sitting on the step and reading a book or just taking in the weather or mountains.  I am, however, excited about the future and the starting fresh in a new location.  Something that is my own.

Last week in my counselor's office he told me "a miracle is happening right now in your home".  Really? How could that possibly be?  But then over the last week I have been thinking about it and he is right.  I see it, however hard it is, he is right.

Letter to my husband:

I just wanted you to know that I have forgiven you.  This brings me peace.  Forgiveness means letting go of the thought of a better past. It is a process not an event. And I have let go.  I know there is no changing the past, the second it happens it is gone.  Also, Forgiveness doesn't equal trust.  I will never be able to trust you.  Your deceit has taken care of that.  I no longer need an apology from you, I probably wouldn't believe it anyway.  An apology would only make you feel better not me.  I want to you know that my forgiveness in no way means that the things you have done are OK.  It only means that I feel peace and am moving on.  Even though there have been some terrible things that have happened I do want you to know that I appreciated the things that you have done for me that are good.  I appreciated your help with the kids when they were little.  I appreciate your kind words to me when I accomplished something.  I appreciated your willingness to let me do things I wanted or needed to do.  And I appreciate the fact that you are able to see that your actions have inhibited our marriage and that you see the need for me to go on with my life without you.  I will always love you, you are the father of my children and my husband of 17 years.  I also want you to know that if my Heavenly Father came to me and said, tomorrow will be new and your husband will be well.  He will not suffer anymore from these things.  He will still struggle from time to time with feelings of inadequecy but will no longer do things that are not good.  You will still struggle with trials this just won't be one of them.  You will remember all the things that have happened and you will grow in them...I would stay.